I’m so sad that we couldn’t meet this year's sweet young ladies! My heart was greatly anticipating the times of worship with you all. When you all sing, Jesus shows up, and I get to just bask in that amazing moment when it’s heaven on earth. I will cherish last year’s moments of worship with you all for the rest of my life. I hope they were special to you too.
On a more serious note, preparing my heart for this year was a battle for real! I thought I had been healed of many of my deep wounds, but for some reason, all the reality of my abuse kept repeating over and over. The sadness and shame would sometimes cripple me in ways I hadn’t experienced for years.
I couldn’t help but think and wonder how many of you sweet girls might be going through something similar. Or worse, not knowing why you are feeling so sad. Sometimes it’s hard to accept and admit what happened to you.
“Maybe your hurts aren’t that bad, you should just suck it up and move on.”
“You actually brought it all on yourself anyway. You should’ve been smarter.”
“This is the only kind of love you’ll ever get anyway.”
“Who will want you now?”
And the voices continue…
It’s so real and our hearts don’t know time. I have felt God’s hand in the darkness and the morning does come.
Maybe all you can do is just breathe the next breath. But that next breath was given by God and you still have a lot of strength left. The strength is His to rebuild you with.
I’m here in this life journey of healing and hoping alongside you as a BeLydia gal too. You are not alone. The more we share our stories the more hope we give others that they too can rebuild what others shattered.
I was thinking of several songs that God put on my heart for you all this year. Some of which tell of the emotion of hope lost, and some which sing of hope reborn. I feel like life for all of us a mixture of both hopelessness, brokenness, and resurrection of the dead.
Can’t help it, yes, I know...But Taylor Swift's line
“You know I’ll rise up from the dead. I do it all the time.”
Yes, I know, Look What You Made Me Do, the song is mean. But that line isn’t that’s exactly what God wants for each of us. We can RISE from the dead places in our hearts!
Here are some other songs that kept coming to my heart, that must have been for some of you.
“Hold, hold on, hold on to me, cause I’m a little unsteady...a little unsteady”
Along with Sia’s, Chandelier:
“Help I’m holding on for dear life, won’t look down won’t open my eyes, keep my glass full until morning light, Cause I’m just holding on for tonight.”
Seriously, yes I know...that’s some sadness that none of us need to meditate on for too long.
But it’s ok to feel like that if that’s what you are going through. It’s ok to cry and let the healing begin. You don’t have to always suck it up and be strong
God is the God who sees us and loves us in all our shame and helplessness.
I encourage you all to listen to Defender by Rita Springer.
Although the first verse seems a little dark…”You come back with the head of my enemy. You come back and you call it my victory..”
Ok, let’s just say it...no she’s not talking about decapitating someone...although we might sometimes think it’s appropriate…
She’s using poetic language, which is the beauty of music and songs, to convey a deeper truth.
We all have our demons that haunt us. Our greatest enemy is the shame and hurt of what has happened to us. For some, it’s as simple as holding to unforgiveness towards others. For me, it was forgiving myself and not holding my 14-year-old heart to blame.
The song goes on to say:
Your mercy is the shade I’m living in and You restore my faith in hope again…
And all I did was praise
And all I did was worship
And all I did was bow down
And all I did was stay still
What a relief that we don’t have to fight this fight alone.
We do however need to talk to someone you trust about anything that has happened that is NOT ok. That’s also part of the healing process.
Let me share one more song that is helping me through my own healing process.
I Am Loved By You-Maverick City Music
“You’re not embarrassed
You’re not ashamed
You stand in wonder
Of what You’ve made
I am loved, I am loved by You
Such truth that screams to our deepest and greatest desire to be fully known, accepted, and loved.
I’m in this with you ladies. I can’t wait till we can meet again and share our stories, sing, cry, and find healing as the Healer awaits us daily.